Creating a Blended Family

"I recently began sharing a house with another single mom. We spent a lot of time talking things over and agreed that our ultimate goal was to create a blended family. Although everyone seemed to get along well before we moved in together, things are tougher than we expected. The children do not seem to be adjusting as easily as we had hoped. We are committed to making our efforts successful. Should we just give this more time and let things work themselves out?"

Congratulations! Bringing two separate households together under one roof to create a blended family is a big undertaking, but you have already accomplished so much. No doubt, you are feeling optimistic and excited about all the benefits of this new housing arrangement. You have already taken care of the “nuts and bolts” stuff. You’ve found a place to share, the children are registered in school, the utilities are turned on, and the hassles of moving day are behind you.

Look how much has already been accomplished!

Now is a good time to turn to the next phase of your efforts to make your house sharing a success. This is not college or your first apartment with a roommate and, of course, children are involved, so you don’t really have the luxury to wait and see if things get better or just let things stay as they are. As the adults in charge, you need to take a step back and remember that your new housing arrangement means that your children are confronting change and loss simultaneously. Confusion and acting out behavior often result when children don’t quite know how to manage the demands of change and loss.

Understanding what your children are experiencing will help you and your housing partner “tweak” what is already working well and make things even better for everyone!

Change is always a challenge. This upheaval in living arrangements no matter how necessary or beneficial means that many aspects of your children's lives have changed. Sharing a bedroom with a "new" sibling; adjusting to different family routines; less “alone time” with Mom; adapting to different roles in the family---all big adjustments. Perhaps, the "baby of the family" is no longer the baby or the “star athlete” or “family brain” now has competition for that role from a “new” brother or sister.

• Here’s what to do: Make the effort to recognize and praise the everyday small achievements of each family member. Home sharing means there will always be someone around to delight in the achievements of another family member. Changing roles can be challenging, but can also help us grow and achieve. For example, the former “baby of the family” will delight in a round of applause for wearing “big girl pants”; the “star athlete” will welcome praise for that dynamite school report; and the “family brain” will now have a chance to show off some athletic skill now that there are more people around to practice with her.

Loss is often painful and confusing. Children typically wish way past reason and reality that their biological parents will somehow get back together. Your new living arrangement makes a clear statement that this wish will not be fulfilled. Your children may also be hearing rumblings of discontent or not too subtle requests for information about your house share arrangement from their other parent. Your children may look back and wish for simpler times when they had only one mom instead of more like a mom and a half. If Dad is still in the picture with may-be a new wife or significant other, this further change will add to the children’s confusion and feeling of loss.

• Here’s what to do: Your positive attitude and enthusiasm for your house share arrangement will go a long way toward helping the children cope with feelings of confusion and loss. Without burdening them with more information than they need (missed child support payments and/or mounting debts are worries best handled by grown-ups), stress the positive aspects of your new housing arrangement. Let your children role play what to say when people ask about their new living arrangement. Sometimes children can get really anxious when they don’t know what to say. Begin this conversation by letting the children know that people will ask out of curiosity about their living arrangements. You might suggest to your children that they start with something like, “We are sharing a home because we like sharing our life with other people.” You’ll know best what your children will feel most comfortable saying. Practical help on how to answer “Dad questions” is probably also a good idea.

All good things take time. Creating a blended family takes time. For many, this transition period will take at least a year. This house share arrangement may likely solve many problems and worries for you, but for your children the necessary adjustments can seem a little overwhelming. Remember that the “normal kid stress”, such as homework, new school/different grade, standardized tests, competition in after school activities, worries about college admission, and constant peer pressure, will also be part of their everyday lives.

• Here’s what do to: Take a deep breath and remember that good things always happen in small steps rather than great leaps. Praise small steps, like one child volunteering to help another with home work. Focus on what your children need today. Your new housing arrangement means that everything no longer has to be handled by you. If a big spelling test is coming up, there are now more people around to quiz on the tricky words. New grade? New teacher? There are now others to listen to worries and concerns and may-be even offer some helpful “been there” advice. Peer pressure may be less of an issue for your children since you now are surrounded by more family to offer support and encouragement. There is also now another adult to ease your daily burdens so you will have more time and energy to listen and help your children with every day problems and concerns. Your housing partner will also be there, if you need someone to listen, just like you will be there for her.