Sex and Dating
“I am seriously discussing a house share arrangement with another single mom. Our children are within the same age range and we both want to stay in the same school district. We have no problem discussing things like finances, but the life style issues trouble me. She is much more social than I am ready to be. She belongs to a couple of online dating sites and tells me about men she has actually met and dated. She does not feel these activities detract from her mothering responsibilities and, in fact, she encourages me to “get out there”!
Should I just ignore these life style issues until they become a problem in our house share or do you think we should talk about these differences now?”
Congratulations on the progress you have made! You are well on your way to creating a blended family. The location question is solved and a financial plan is in the making. Now it’s time to focus on discussing life style differences, which could potentially interfere with a successful and happy house share.
We all have a past. Some of us endured years of emotional hardship from a neglectful or demanding partner or spouse and need time to put own emotional house in order. Some women are definitely not single moms by choice so the search for a husband/romantic partner is a definite priority. Some moms felt stifled in prior relationships and are ready to make up for lost time. These moms may not be on the “husband/romantic partner hunt”, but are definitely ready for grown-up fun and games. Others may just be grateful for the end of relationship turmoil and want to focus just on career and family goals. Lots of single moms are somewhere in between.
Things change. Priorities change and unexpected things happen. Matters of the heart often involve luck and surprise. A mom totally disinterested in dating can suddenly have a constantly hovering boyfriend. Another mom may find that her dependable Mr. Wonderful may not be the man of her dreams. A mom seemingly destined for the altar can suddenly get cold feet. Plans for a committed romantic partnership may falter because of family or financial pressures.
Sex and dating are important life style issues. After all, you’re both single not dead. Just because you are both single moms, however, does not mean that you share identical beliefs and practices when it comes to managing a personal life on top of your other commitments and responsibilities.
Here what to do . . .
Talk frankly and honestly about your respective dating plans. Each blended family must devise their own set of standards. If you have differences and your social lives could potentially clash, now is the time to work out these issues. You both need to feel confident that you can live comfortably with the life style decisions made within your shared home. Obviously, this should be a “Moms only” conversation.
Try to understand the priorities and long range plans of “the other mom”. You may not wish to invest time and energy in this housing partnership, if your prospective house mate sees this living arrangement as only temporary pending a successful “husband/romantic partner hunt”. May-be short term is okay given your circumstances. If one of you sees this arrangement as okay for now while the other envisions a long term commitment, difficulties and complications are more likely.
Consider the impact on your day to day life. If one mom is dating a lot, resentment can build if the “other mom” feels burdened by greater responsibility for chores and “kid sitting”. May-be “the stay at home mom” needs some added “kid free time” built into the schedule to pursue her own interests. There are no “one size fits all” solutions. Each set of housemates needs to work out their own solutions based on their individual needs.
Talk about “what if”. Decide what you both need to know before you are comfortable inviting a PSO (potential significant other) into your home, especially if one or both of you meet people online.
Discuss how you feel about overnight “guests”. One or both of you may feel that you do not want your children exposed to a strange man (or woman) showering in the bathroom or sharing coffee on a Sunday morning. Perhaps everyone is used to an “open door policy” at home, so a new face in the kitchen sharing a week-end breakfast will hardly be noticed.
Consider the possible reactions of each of your children. Children do talk and you may decide that caution and discretion may need to guide your actions, particularly if you live in a conservative community or are sharing parenting responsibilities with your former spouse. Involving the children in your personal lives will have consequences, but it is up to each family to determine what choices work best in their own home.
Should I just ignore these life style issues until they become a problem in our house share or do you think we should talk about these differences now?”
Congratulations on the progress you have made! You are well on your way to creating a blended family. The location question is solved and a financial plan is in the making. Now it’s time to focus on discussing life style differences, which could potentially interfere with a successful and happy house share.
We all have a past. Some of us endured years of emotional hardship from a neglectful or demanding partner or spouse and need time to put own emotional house in order. Some women are definitely not single moms by choice so the search for a husband/romantic partner is a definite priority. Some moms felt stifled in prior relationships and are ready to make up for lost time. These moms may not be on the “husband/romantic partner hunt”, but are definitely ready for grown-up fun and games. Others may just be grateful for the end of relationship turmoil and want to focus just on career and family goals. Lots of single moms are somewhere in between.
Things change. Priorities change and unexpected things happen. Matters of the heart often involve luck and surprise. A mom totally disinterested in dating can suddenly have a constantly hovering boyfriend. Another mom may find that her dependable Mr. Wonderful may not be the man of her dreams. A mom seemingly destined for the altar can suddenly get cold feet. Plans for a committed romantic partnership may falter because of family or financial pressures.
Sex and dating are important life style issues. After all, you’re both single not dead. Just because you are both single moms, however, does not mean that you share identical beliefs and practices when it comes to managing a personal life on top of your other commitments and responsibilities.
Here what to do . . .
Talk frankly and honestly about your respective dating plans. Each blended family must devise their own set of standards. If you have differences and your social lives could potentially clash, now is the time to work out these issues. You both need to feel confident that you can live comfortably with the life style decisions made within your shared home. Obviously, this should be a “Moms only” conversation.
Try to understand the priorities and long range plans of “the other mom”. You may not wish to invest time and energy in this housing partnership, if your prospective house mate sees this living arrangement as only temporary pending a successful “husband/romantic partner hunt”. May-be short term is okay given your circumstances. If one of you sees this arrangement as okay for now while the other envisions a long term commitment, difficulties and complications are more likely.
Consider the impact on your day to day life. If one mom is dating a lot, resentment can build if the “other mom” feels burdened by greater responsibility for chores and “kid sitting”. May-be “the stay at home mom” needs some added “kid free time” built into the schedule to pursue her own interests. There are no “one size fits all” solutions. Each set of housemates needs to work out their own solutions based on their individual needs.
Talk about “what if”. Decide what you both need to know before you are comfortable inviting a PSO (potential significant other) into your home, especially if one or both of you meet people online.
Discuss how you feel about overnight “guests”. One or both of you may feel that you do not want your children exposed to a strange man (or woman) showering in the bathroom or sharing coffee on a Sunday morning. Perhaps everyone is used to an “open door policy” at home, so a new face in the kitchen sharing a week-end breakfast will hardly be noticed.
Consider the possible reactions of each of your children. Children do talk and you may decide that caution and discretion may need to guide your actions, particularly if you live in a conservative community or are sharing parenting responsibilities with your former spouse. Involving the children in your personal lives will have consequences, but it is up to each family to determine what choices work best in their own home.
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