Holidays, Celebrations, and Other Assorted Happy Times
“I have been seriously discussing a house share with a long time friend and co-worker. Important stuff like who is going to pay for what and to organize this new living space has been settled. There is one problem, however, which I think we should talk about, but I am worried about how to open the conversation. We are of different religious backgrounds. My children and I make a big deal out of Christmas and love to celebrate birthdays. My housemate describes herself as “not into holidays.”
Should this different perspective on the holidays and birthdays be discussed before we move in together?”
Differences in family customs will require some discussion and planning. View this conversation as an opportunity rather than an obstacle. This house share will offer your children the chance to see that families come together and celebrate uniquely. Use this “pre-move” time to figure out how to make these family differences work for the benefit of all your children.
Embrace change. This house share is a new beginning for both families. Trying to make events fit a certain pattern or attempting to relive what you did as part of a married couple or a solo single mom is opening the door to disappointment and hard feelings. Looking ahead to the expected changes with confidence and optimism will only bring harmony to your shared home.
Memories are uniquely personal. Holidays and birthdays evoke powerful memories. Some memories bring laughter and joy, of course, while others bring back feelings of sadness, abandonment, and fear. Don’t assume that your housemate and her children have the same birthday and holiday memories your family shares. “Not into holidays’ could simply mean that holiday memories bring heartache or that her family’s reserve of time, energy, and money has been insufficient to enjoy much holiday pleasure.
Explore your differences. Ask each other if there is anything either of you should know about holidays and birthdays past. If, for example, Dad chose to leave on Junior’s birthday or an eviction notice arrived on the eve of a major holiday, obviously, these upsetting memories are part of this family’s history. A mutual, respectful, and sympathetic understanding of these experiences is important as you plan your shared holidays and birthday activities.
Keep or Toss. Just as you are getting rid of unwanted household items and outgrown clothing in preparation for the move, review your traditional holiday celebrations with the same practical attention. What part of the holiday preparations do you really enjoy? Would you rather skip the marathon cookie baking? Would you rather forgo the expensive and time consuming annual holiday card mailing? Do you find holiday shopping exhausting? Are you likely to make impulsive and costly purchases?
Keep it real. Media holidays images are a fantasy. Comparing your efforts to any media image of a “typical holiday” is setting everyone up for failure and disappointment. Expensive toys, fancy decorations, and elaborate food are quickly forgotten. Your children will cherish memories of simple activities focused on their needs and interests. Children thrive on routine, clear expectations, and simple pleasures. Stressed – out and exhausted moms with short fuses and voices with an angry, exasperated edge are not an appropriate or welcome holiday gift for any child.
Find the true meaning. The religious holidays have a unique and personal spiritual meaning. Make the sharing of your personal spiritual beliefs the cornerstone of your holiday celebrations. Be open to sharing these beliefs with your housemates in a respectful, inclusive, and welcoming manner. If this seems daunting, think about what you would like your children to tell their children about your holiday celebrations. This will help you both focus on things that are “forever important” rather than what seems important right now.
Establish a new tradition. Traditions are what bring us together. Begin simply with a ritual or shared family event meaningful to both of you. This can be something as simple as a special breakfast to honor the “birthday child” (or mom) on their special day. You may decide to celebrate Teddy Roosevelt’s birthday, Earth Day, or a day with a unique “your home only” theme. No matter what the plan, these special family events offer the chance to experience a different perspective, taste new foods, try a new activity, or just be silly together.
Should this different perspective on the holidays and birthdays be discussed before we move in together?”
Differences in family customs will require some discussion and planning. View this conversation as an opportunity rather than an obstacle. This house share will offer your children the chance to see that families come together and celebrate uniquely. Use this “pre-move” time to figure out how to make these family differences work for the benefit of all your children.
Embrace change. This house share is a new beginning for both families. Trying to make events fit a certain pattern or attempting to relive what you did as part of a married couple or a solo single mom is opening the door to disappointment and hard feelings. Looking ahead to the expected changes with confidence and optimism will only bring harmony to your shared home.
Memories are uniquely personal. Holidays and birthdays evoke powerful memories. Some memories bring laughter and joy, of course, while others bring back feelings of sadness, abandonment, and fear. Don’t assume that your housemate and her children have the same birthday and holiday memories your family shares. “Not into holidays’ could simply mean that holiday memories bring heartache or that her family’s reserve of time, energy, and money has been insufficient to enjoy much holiday pleasure.
Explore your differences. Ask each other if there is anything either of you should know about holidays and birthdays past. If, for example, Dad chose to leave on Junior’s birthday or an eviction notice arrived on the eve of a major holiday, obviously, these upsetting memories are part of this family’s history. A mutual, respectful, and sympathetic understanding of these experiences is important as you plan your shared holidays and birthday activities.
Keep or Toss. Just as you are getting rid of unwanted household items and outgrown clothing in preparation for the move, review your traditional holiday celebrations with the same practical attention. What part of the holiday preparations do you really enjoy? Would you rather skip the marathon cookie baking? Would you rather forgo the expensive and time consuming annual holiday card mailing? Do you find holiday shopping exhausting? Are you likely to make impulsive and costly purchases?
Keep it real. Media holidays images are a fantasy. Comparing your efforts to any media image of a “typical holiday” is setting everyone up for failure and disappointment. Expensive toys, fancy decorations, and elaborate food are quickly forgotten. Your children will cherish memories of simple activities focused on their needs and interests. Children thrive on routine, clear expectations, and simple pleasures. Stressed – out and exhausted moms with short fuses and voices with an angry, exasperated edge are not an appropriate or welcome holiday gift for any child.
Find the true meaning. The religious holidays have a unique and personal spiritual meaning. Make the sharing of your personal spiritual beliefs the cornerstone of your holiday celebrations. Be open to sharing these beliefs with your housemates in a respectful, inclusive, and welcoming manner. If this seems daunting, think about what you would like your children to tell their children about your holiday celebrations. This will help you both focus on things that are “forever important” rather than what seems important right now.
Establish a new tradition. Traditions are what bring us together. Begin simply with a ritual or shared family event meaningful to both of you. This can be something as simple as a special breakfast to honor the “birthday child” (or mom) on their special day. You may decide to celebrate Teddy Roosevelt’s birthday, Earth Day, or a day with a unique “your home only” theme. No matter what the plan, these special family events offer the chance to experience a different perspective, taste new foods, try a new activity, or just be silly together.
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