Ask Dr. Leah

Holidays, Celebrations, and Other Assorted Happy Times

Dr. Leah Klungness — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 04:08:00 +0000

“I have been seriously discussing a house share with a long time friend and co-worker. Important stuff like who is going to pay for what and to organize this new living space has been settled. There is one problem, however, which I think we should talk about, but I am worried about how to open the conversation. We are of different religious backgrounds. My children and I make a big deal out of Christmas and love to celebrate birthdays. My housemate describes herself as “not into holidays.”

Should this different perspective on the holidays and birthdays be discussed before we move in together?”

Differences in family customs will require some discussion and planning. View this conversation as an opportunity rather than an obstacle. This house share will offer your children the chance to see that families come together and celebrate uniquely. Use this “pre-move” time to figure out how to make these family differences work for the benefit of all your children.

Embrace change. This house share is a new beginning for both families. Trying to make events fit a certain pattern or attempting to relive what you did as part of a married couple or a solo single mom is opening the door to disappointment and hard feelings. Looking ahead to the expected changes with confidence and optimism will only bring harmony to your shared home.

Memories are uniquely personal. Holidays and birthdays evoke powerful memories. Some memories bring laughter and joy, of course, while others bring back feelings of sadness, abandonment, and fear. Don’t assume that your housemate and her children have the same birthday and holiday memories your family shares. “Not into holidays’ could simply mean that holiday memories bring heartache or that her family’s reserve of time, energy, and money has been insufficient to enjoy much holiday pleasure.

Explore your differences. Ask each other if there is anything either of you should know about holidays and birthdays past. If, for example, Dad chose to leave on Junior’s birthday or an eviction notice arrived on the eve of a major holiday, obviously, these upsetting memories are part of this family’s history. A mutual, respectful, and sympathetic understanding of these experiences is important as you plan your shared holidays and birthday activities.

Keep or Toss. Just as you are getting rid of unwanted household items and outgrown clothing in preparation for the move, review your traditional holiday celebrations with the same practical attention. What part of the holiday preparations do you really enjoy? Would you rather skip the marathon cookie baking? Would you rather forgo the expensive and time consuming annual holiday card mailing? Do you find holiday shopping exhausting? Are you likely to make impulsive and costly purchases?

Keep it real. Media holidays images are a fantasy. Comparing your efforts to any media image of a “typical holiday” is setting everyone up for failure and disappointment. Expensive toys, fancy decorations, and elaborate food are quickly forgotten. Your children will cherish memories of simple activities focused on their needs and interests. Children thrive on routine, clear expectations, and simple pleasures. Stressed – out and exhausted moms with short fuses and voices with an angry, exasperated edge are not an appropriate or welcome holiday gift for any child.

Find the true meaning. The religious holidays have a unique and personal spiritual meaning. Make the sharing of your personal spiritual beliefs the cornerstone of your holiday celebrations. Be open to sharing these beliefs with your housemates in a respectful, inclusive, and welcoming manner. If this seems daunting, think about what you would like your children to tell their children about your holiday celebrations. This will help you both focus on things that are “forever important” rather than what seems important right now.

Establish a new tradition. Traditions are what bring us together. Begin simply with a ritual or shared family event meaningful to both of you. This can be something as simple as a special breakfast to honor the “birthday child” (or mom) on their special day. You may decide to celebrate Teddy Roosevelt’s birthday, Earth Day, or a day with a unique “your home only” theme. No matter what the plan, these special family events offer the chance to experience a different perspective, taste new foods, try a new activity, or just be silly together.

Making the Right Start in School

Dr. Leah Klungness — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 21:34:00 +0000

My housemate and I have been enjoying a successful house share for three years. Both of us are divorced. Two of our children will soon be starting kindergarten. Neither of us are looking forward to filling out the school paperwork since there will probably be lots of prying questions about our home situation. More importantly, we are worried about doing the right things for our children’s education. What can single moms like us do to help their children make the most of their education? Aren’t kids who come from broken homes at higher risk for problems at school?

Congratulations on a successful house share!

Just like at your house, many children today are growing up in single parent and other non-traditional homes. Growing up in a two-parent home is no guarantee of school success. Children raised in single parent families are not more likely to have school problems. All parents make mistakes and missteps. Research indicates that a parent’s encouragement and the value placed on education are more important to a child’s eventual success than family income or background. Show your interest every day. Your actions let your children know that you value learning

Worry and motherhood often seem to just go together, but it’s a better choice to channel that “worry energy” in positive directions.

Here are the best ways to help your children make the best possible start and to do all you can to help your children succeed in school.

Paperwork, forms, and more paperwork. Public schools are charged with a dizzying array of responsibilities and demands for accountability. Asking for basic information during kindergarten enrollment is simply the school’s way of meeting their mandated responsibilities, not an attempt to pry into your personal lives. No one reviews enrollment information so they can pass judgment about your house share or your respective divorces. In fact, schools strive to respect rules of confidentiality. If someone does seem overly interested you may, in fact, be talking with another single mom/friend of a single mom who is personally interested in how you are making this innovative house sharing idea work for you.

Critical information. Your children’s school needs to know how to reach you in case of emergency. The school also needs the names and telephone numbers of your “back-up”, in case you cannot be reached. Emergencies can include sudden weather changes and unexpected school closings as well as sickness or injury. Be prepared with this information when you enroll your children. Work out any complications or disagreements with your housemate (and ex-spouse, if necessary) as a priority.

Prepare for the inevitable. Unlike most single parents, you two have each other for “back up” in case of emergency. Without warning, one of your children (or both!) will get sick and need to stay home from school. You may be able to work out something with your day care provider or child care facility. Your work situation may be flexible. Talk this out now and decide how you will handle these inevitable emergencies. Reassure your children that a back up plan is in place. Keeping a sick child at home or providing the necessary back-up care assures the school that you are the capable and responsible parents you strive to be.

Face your feelings. Despite your resiliency and success as housemates, moments, like registering your first child in school, can elicit strong feelings. You may find yourself feeling sensitive and sad about no longer being part of a “Mr. and Mrs.” or angry about the change in financial circumstances that made house sharing a must. Feelings like this are normal, but these are your issues. Acting defensive and indignant when routine questions are asked does not get you or, more importantly, your children off to the best start. You can be absolutely certain that teachers and principals have seen their personal share of hard times and are not going to be shocked or amazed by anything you say or write down on a school form.

Check the back pack daily. Successful single parents juggle many conflicting priorities. Keeping informed and organized is essential. The notices found nearly every day in your children’s back packs are your communication link. Develop a system for keeping track of field trips, book fairs, and other special events. This daily routine emphasizes your commitment to learning and teaches your children the valuable organizational skills essential to school success.

Stay organized. Monitor your children’s school supplies and replace as necessary. Make sure each child’s belongings are labeled so there is no ownership confusion. While sharing is probably encouraged in your home, separate school supplies and homework folders work best because this is consistent with how things are typically organized at school. Consider developing morning and evening routines, which encourage independence and planning ahead. For example, laying out clothes for the morning at bedtime and making sure the back pack is set to go will leave time for breakfast and begin the day on a positive, stress-free note.

Healthy children learn best. Your children will need a good night’s sleep and a nutritious breakfast every day. Recent studies have shown that protein eaten at breakfast wakes up the brain. Pack only nutritious snacks and instruct your children not to share their snacks with others. Rampant food allergies have made sharing food with others potentially life threatening. Check out the school lunch options. If the menu is mostly French fries and high-fructose corn syrup laden choices, get in the habit now of packing lunch daily so that your children continue the healthy eating habits you have instilled at home.

Be good listeners at home. Children who have learned to express themselves at home with parents and siblings will have an easier time talking with their teachers. Demonstrate being a good listener by respecting your children’s feelings and giving full attention when they are trying to tell you something. Shouting, name calling, or deliberately hurtful remarks have no place in a home where respect for one another is valued and certainly will not be tolerated in the classroom. Following directions and working cooperatively in a group are other important skills necessary for school success. Children who thrive at school have daily experiences at home, which reinforce listening and build conversational skills.

Eat together. Sitting down and eating the evening meal together is a great time to share your children’s day. Children from families who eat together achieve higher scores on those all important standardized tests. Stumped for conversation? Ask your children what they learned today that they did not know the day before. Try to avoid questions that can be answered with just a yes or no.

Teach patience. Many teachers rightly complain that children come to school expecting everything to happen “right now”. This is just not how life works. Provide your children with opportunities to learn patience. These opportunities teach your children that everything does not happen instantaneously. Try growing seeds or working on craft projects. Children who spend endless hours playing video games and watching TV get exactly the opposite message. Limiting TV watching and video games benefit your children’s education.

Read together. Reading to your child every day is one of the most valuable ways to spend time. If a child is struggling with reading, the chance to listen to stories will help build his skills. Use the resources of your public library rather than purchase books impulsively. Don’t exactly know how to find books your children will like? Librarians are anxious to help you. Make sure you check out Story Hour and other free events at your local library.

Get involved. Involvement in parent –teacher organizations is not just for stay at home parents. Many parent-teacher organizations provide extras like computer equipment, cultural activities, and field trips. There are many ways you can assist these organizations without stepping foot in school during the workday. Your involvement lets you to stay connected with other concerned parents and gives you a chance to meet other single parents. Your children will benefit from these needed contributions and activities as well as see your hands-on commitment to his education.

Sex and Dating

Dr. Leah Klungness — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 14:33:00 +0000

“I am seriously discussing a house share arrangement with another single mom. Our children are within the same age range and we both want to stay in the same school district. We have no problem discussing things like finances, but the life style issues trouble me. She is much more social than I am ready to be. She belongs to a couple of online dating sites and tells me about men she has actually met and dated. She does not feel these activities detract from her mothering responsibilities and, in fact, she encourages me to “get out there”!

Should I just ignore these life style issues until they become a problem in our house share or do you think we should talk about these differences now?”

Congratulations on the progress you have made! You are well on your way to creating a blended family. The location question is solved and a financial plan is in the making. Now it’s time to focus on discussing life style differences, which could potentially interfere with a successful and happy house share.

We all have a past. Some of us endured years of emotional hardship from a neglectful or demanding partner or spouse and need time to put own emotional house in order. Some women are definitely not single moms by choice so the search for a husband/romantic partner is a definite priority. Some moms felt stifled in prior relationships and are ready to make up for lost time. These moms may not be on the “husband/romantic partner hunt”, but are definitely ready for grown-up fun and games. Others may just be grateful for the end of relationship turmoil and want to focus just on career and family goals. Lots of single moms are somewhere in between.

Things change. Priorities change and unexpected things happen. Matters of the heart often involve luck and surprise. A mom totally disinterested in dating can suddenly have a constantly hovering boyfriend. Another mom may find that her dependable Mr. Wonderful may not be the man of her dreams. A mom seemingly destined for the altar can suddenly get cold feet. Plans for a committed romantic partnership may falter because of family or financial pressures.

Sex and dating are important life style issues. After all, you’re both single not dead. Just because you are both single moms, however, does not mean that you share identical beliefs and practices when it comes to managing a personal life on top of your other commitments and responsibilities.

Here what to do . . .

 Talk frankly and honestly about your respective dating plans. Each blended family must devise their own set of standards. If you have differences and your social lives could potentially clash, now is the time to work out these issues. You both need to feel confident that you can live comfortably with the life style decisions made within your shared home. Obviously, this should be a “Moms only” conversation.

 Try to understand the priorities and long range plans of “the other mom”. You may not wish to invest time and energy in this housing partnership, if your prospective house mate sees this living arrangement as only temporary pending a successful “husband/romantic partner hunt”. May-be short term is okay given your circumstances. If one of you sees this arrangement as okay for now while the other envisions a long term commitment, difficulties and complications are more likely.

 Consider the impact on your day to day life. If one mom is dating a lot, resentment can build if the “other mom” feels burdened by greater responsibility for chores and “kid sitting”. May-be “the stay at home mom” needs some added “kid free time” built into the schedule to pursue her own interests. There are no “one size fits all” solutions. Each set of housemates needs to work out their own solutions based on their individual needs.

 Talk about “what if”. Decide what you both need to know before you are comfortable inviting a PSO (potential significant other) into your home, especially if one or both of you meet people online.

 Discuss how you feel about overnight “guests”. One or both of you may feel that you do not want your children exposed to a strange man (or woman) showering in the bathroom or sharing coffee on a Sunday morning. Perhaps everyone is used to an “open door policy” at home, so a new face in the kitchen sharing a week-end breakfast will hardly be noticed.

 Consider the possible reactions of each of your children. Children do talk and you may decide that caution and discretion may need to guide your actions, particularly if you live in a conservative community or are sharing parenting responsibilities with your former spouse. Involving the children in your personal lives will have consequences, but it is up to each family to determine what choices work best in their own home.

Creating a Blended Family

Dr. Leah Klungness — Thu, 04 May 2006 14:46:00 +0000

"I recently began sharing a house with another single mom. We spent a lot of time talking things over and agreed that our ultimate goal was to create a blended family. Although everyone seemed to get along well before we moved in together, things are tougher than we expected. The children do not seem to be adjusting as easily as we had hoped. We are committed to making our efforts successful. Should we just give this more time and let things work themselves out?"

Congratulations! Bringing two separate households together under one roof to create a blended family is a big undertaking, but you have already accomplished so much. No doubt, you are feeling optimistic and excited about all the benefits of this new housing arrangement. You have already taken care of the “nuts and bolts” stuff. You’ve found a place to share, the children are registered in school, the utilities are turned on, and the hassles of moving day are behind you.

Look how much has already been accomplished!

Now is a good time to turn to the next phase of your efforts to make your house sharing a success. This is not college or your first apartment with a roommate and, of course, children are involved, so you don’t really have the luxury to wait and see if things get better or just let things stay as they are. As the adults in charge, you need to take a step back and remember that your new housing arrangement means that your children are confronting change and loss simultaneously. Confusion and acting out behavior often result when children don’t quite know how to manage the demands of change and loss.

Understanding what your children are experiencing will help you and your housing partner “tweak” what is already working well and make things even better for everyone!

Change is always a challenge. This upheaval in living arrangements no matter how necessary or beneficial means that many aspects of your children's lives have changed. Sharing a bedroom with a "new" sibling; adjusting to different family routines; less “alone time” with Mom; adapting to different roles in the family---all big adjustments. Perhaps, the "baby of the family" is no longer the baby or the “star athlete” or “family brain” now has competition for that role from a “new” brother or sister.

Here’s what to do: Make the effort to recognize and praise the everyday small achievements of each family member. Home sharing means there will always be someone around to delight in the achievements of another family member. Changing roles can be challenging, but can also help us grow and achieve. For example, the former “baby of the family” will delight in a round of applause for wearing “big girl pants”; the “star athlete” will welcome praise for that dynamite school report; and the “family brain” will now have a chance to show off some athletic skill now that there are more people around to practice with her.

Loss is often painful and confusing. Children typically wish way past reason and reality that their biological parents will somehow get back together. Your new living arrangement makes a clear statement that this wish will not be fulfilled. Your children may also be hearing rumblings of discontent or not too subtle requests for information about your house share arrangement from their other parent. Your children may look back and wish for simpler times when they had only one mom instead of more like a mom and a half. If Dad is still in the picture with may-be a new wife or significant other, this further change will add to the children’s confusion and feeling of loss.

Here’s what to do: Your positive attitude and enthusiasm for your house share arrangement will go a long way toward helping the children cope with feelings of confusion and loss. Without burdening them with more information than they need (missed child support payments and/or mounting debts are worries best handled by grown-ups), stress the positive aspects of your new housing arrangement. Let your children role play what to say when people ask about their new living arrangement. Sometimes children can get really anxious when they don’t know what to say. Begin this conversation by letting the children know that people will ask out of curiosity about their living arrangements. You might suggest to your children that they start with something like, “We are sharing a home because we like sharing our life with other people.” You’ll know best what your children will feel most comfortable saying. Practical help on how to answer “Dad questions” is probably also a good idea.

All good things take time. Creating a blended family takes time. For many, this transition period will take at least a year. This house share arrangement may likely solve many problems and worries for you, but for your children the necessary adjustments can seem a little overwhelming. Remember that the “normal kid stress”, such as homework, new school/different grade, standardized tests, competition in after school activities, worries about college admission, and constant peer pressure, will also be part of their everyday lives.

Here’s what do to: Take a deep breath and remember that good things always happen in small steps rather than great leaps. Praise small steps, like one child volunteering to help another with home work. Focus on what your children need today. Your new housing arrangement means that everything no longer has to be handled by you. If a big spelling test is coming up, there are now more people around to quiz on the tricky words. New grade? New teacher? There are now others to listen to worries and concerns and may-be even offer some helpful “been there” advice. Peer pressure may be less of an issue for your children since you now are surrounded by more family to offer support and encouragement. There is also now another adult to ease your daily burdens so you will have more time and energy to listen and help your children with every day problems and concerns. Your housing partner will also be there, if you need someone to listen, just like you will be there for her.